I have been chastised often for daring to need\u00a0a man in my life as a means to increase my happiness through loneliness reduction.
\nIt is \u00a0as though by having the audacity to need an intimate partner, I am declaring I am insufficient, less of a person.
\nGuess what.
\nI am insufficient.
\nFor me.
\nBut to be judged as wrong for acknowledging this imcompleteness and inability to find “all” I need within myself, or with God, or with my wonderful friends, well, it’s wrong.
\nI need a man.
\nI just do.<\/p>\n
When God made Adam, He looked at his creation and said “Hmm… it’s not good for this person to be alone.” There, in the Garden of Eden, with everything Adam could hope to have, including the ability to actually have a conversation with God, it still wasn’t enough. There was still a need.<\/p>\n
I don’t live in the Garden.
\nI do not have audible conversations where I hear from God as a friend and companion.
\nSo, it stands to reason that I’m not crazy for needing “more”.
\nGod knew. So, he made Adam a companion – an intimate companion. Not a friend. An intimate companion.<\/p>\n
In the last couple of weeks, I have met two men.<\/p>\n
And the incredible feeling of loneliness,
\nthe aching, overwhelming pulling my entrails out of my wretched throat pain of being alone
\nthe wracking cries of despair at God<\/p>\n
have gone
\naway<\/p>\n
Away.<\/p>\n
Every day I hear from them. One for sure I know his intentions.
\nThe other?
\nI do not know explicitly. And I don’t have to right now.
\nIt is enough that he makes me laugh and think and feel connected.<\/p>\n
I don’t know how it’s going to go with either of them.
\nIt is too soon to speculate or hope or dream.
\nBut what I do know is I have not cried myself to sleep in nearly 2 weeks.
\nI have not awoken in the middle of the night so lonely I can hardly breathe
\nI have cried
\nfor other reasons
\nBut not out of the sheer hopelessness of drowning<\/p>\n
A friend commented that I was singing.
\nI was.
\nWhen I am happy, I find myself singing.<\/p>\n
These men.
\nThey make me happy.
\nThe connect with me and make me feel wanted.
\nBeing with me makes them happier too.
\nMy presence matters to them.
\nThey want me.
\nAnd I like that.
\nIt helps me not to cry.<\/p>\n
That’s a win.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I have been chastised often for daring to need\u00a0a man in my life as a means to increase my happiness through loneliness reduction. It is \u00a0as though by having the audacity to need an intimate partner, I am declaring I am insufficient, less of a person. Guess what. I am insufficient. For me. But to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-84","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-personal"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.dirtfarmchronicles.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/84","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.dirtfarmchronicles.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.dirtfarmchronicles.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.dirtfarmchronicles.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.dirtfarmchronicles.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=84"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/www.dirtfarmchronicles.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/84\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":87,"href":"http:\/\/www.dirtfarmchronicles.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/84\/revisions\/87"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.dirtfarmchronicles.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=84"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.dirtfarmchronicles.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=84"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.dirtfarmchronicles.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=84"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}