![\"\"](\"https:\/\/scontent-sjc2-1.xx.fbcdn.net\/hphotos-xfa1\/v\/t1.0-9\/12249610_10153349329153473_1133251569970879588_n.jpg?oh=045bbbf3b405e6b8ca2fe356cfeec7dc&oe=56E93E85\")
<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
I wrote you today. Put it in an envelope and put a stamp on it. It’s in my purse, ready to find a mailbox tomorrow.<\/p>\n
I see things all the time that I want to stamp into your heart
\nto make you believe
\nand I see the violence and control that my words hold
\nand I don’t really want that either.
\nI see how much my desire is controlled by fear
\nFear that you’ll truly disappear.
\nFear that I’ll fail you.
\nFear that I won’t get to have you back.<\/p>\n
I think I just want you to be ok.
\nBut I don’t know what that looks like and maybe you being ok looks like something I wouldn’t like
\nand then,
\nam I courageous enough to be glad for you
\nwhen that happens?<\/p>\n
Even though I am back to crying every day
\nsometimes more than once
\nor twice
\na day
\nI don’t rail at God like I used to.
\nI am not back to desperation and utter loneliness
\nand hopeless futility.
\nBut I can’t breathe.<\/p>\n
I so want to know you’re ok.
\nI wonder how long I should wait before I get on a ferry to find out.
\nAnd then I remember my own life and realize it will be at least weeks before I can do that.
\nAfter the new year.
\nAnd I want to remind myself that it’s not been quite a week since you’ve gone
\nand that it’s not unreasonable to not have heard from you
\nbut my gut doesn’t know what to think
\nand I do not have any assurance
\nor
\npeace.<\/p>\n
And I want it.<\/p>\n
I cannot relax wondering if you’re being loved there.
\nif anyone has given you a bed
\nif the job is happening
\nif there is grace and mercy for you
\ncoming as you did in such a rough state.<\/p>\n
I want someone to love you like I love you.
\nSomeone to be your high tower
\nSomeone who doesn’t need you to be anything but what you are
\nwho has the resources to love you while you learn to be loved<\/p>\n
And I miss you so fucking much
\nbut my life continues to hurtle forward
\nand I don’t know if I should stop
\nor wait
\nor keep going with it<\/p>\n
I have this chance, I think, to get a house
\nget my family
\nand I am so afraid
\nthat letting that unfold
\nwill lead to a suffocation
\nof my mind
\nand heart
\nand soul
\nthat I’ll never be able to love this man
\nand that I’ll never be able to love
\nlike I love you<\/p>\n
It’s an unbearable choice.
\nI know I’m not choosing between you and him
\nI’m choosing between settling for something
\nin order to give my kids something
\nand maybe having to pay for that for the rest of my life
\nor not having to pay and instead dumping the guy when my kids’ needs are fulfilled
\nor not having my kids
\nall together
\nunder one roof
\nbut still having freedom in my heart<\/p>\n
God, I know how utterly stupid and melodramatic that sounds.
\nFucking insipid
\nand yet, it feels like life or death
\nwith each promising life and death…
\nI just don’t know that I can choose my own death<\/p>\n
Oh my friend.
\nI hate that you had to go.
\nJesus I fucking hate it.
\nHate it.
\nI want you here.
\nWith me.<\/p>\n
Fuck how could I have known that you were already a part of me
\nand having you leave
\ntore along a perforation I didn’t even know existed?
\nI didn’t even fall in love with you!
\nI started with love.
\nA filthy Samaritan kind of love.
\nOhhhh this ache!
\nI hate this ache.<\/p>\n
I want you.
\nI need you my friend.
\nBut mostly, I just want you.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I wrote you today. Put it in an envelope and put a stamp on it. It’s in my purse, ready to find a mailbox tomorrow. I see things all the time that I want to stamp into your heart to make you believe and I see the violence and control that my words hold and […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-89","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.dirtfarmchronicles.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/89","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.dirtfarmchronicles.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.dirtfarmchronicles.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.dirtfarmchronicles.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.dirtfarmchronicles.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=89"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/www.dirtfarmchronicles.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/89\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":90,"href":"http:\/\/www.dirtfarmchronicles.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/89\/revisions\/90"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.dirtfarmchronicles.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=89"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.dirtfarmchronicles.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=89"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.dirtfarmchronicles.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=89"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}